


It's funny (until it's not)

by Wordsintothevoid



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Castiel Loves Dean Winchester, Dean Winchester Loves Castiel, Destiel - Freeform, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-24
Updated: 2016-09-24
Packaged: 2018-08-17 03:19:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 5
Words: 1,214
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8128402
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Wordsintothevoid/pseuds/Wordsintothevoid
Summary: Destiel angsty ficlets (unconnected). Updated whenever I get an idea. Pease leave kudos if you liked it!





	1. Chapter 1

Dean is fine. Really. Sure, Cas is dead but it's not like that matters, right? No one cares that Dean feels like something vital has been carved out deep inside. It doesn't matter that Dean wakes up, disappointed he's still alive and didn't stop breathing in the two hours of sleep he got. Right?

Apple pie tastes like dirt. He and Sam are in some grimy diner, and Dean nearly chokes. It tastes like ash and lost dreams and he knows that is sentimental crap but it's the damn truth. He pushes his plate away and waits for Sam in the Impala.

Dean knows nightmares. He's lost enough in his godforsaken life to know what despair feels like. This is different, worse. He wanders dark corridors looking for something, anything. But then he catches a flash of that damn trenchcoat, and then he'll be running. Anything to see those blue ocean eyes. But he can never catch up.

Dean winces every time he puts on a shirt. Sam doesn't know about the burns on Dean's chest, wings, branded on him forever. He takes a savage pleasure in them. After all he's done to screw Cas over, it's only fair that Cas got his own in the end. Cas spent far too long worshipping at the sacrificial altar of Dean Winchester. No wonder he became another victim.

When Dean takes a blade to his skin for the first time, he imagines Cas. Not horrified or concerned. No, in his fantasies, Cas holds the knife. He snarls abuse and Dean soaks it up. He deserves it. He got Cas killed. He's the reason Cas fell. The memory of Cas, limp and glassy eyed, makes Dean press harder. But that doesn't matter, right?


	2. Chapter 2

There is no air left in the world. Castiel knows that is technically untrue. However the way every breath catches in his lungs confirms his theory.

The world is so quiet. Castiel feels as though he is drifting underwater and every sound must pass through a thick layer of ice to reach him.

The universe is so dark. The sunlight feels pale and thin, somehow muted through thick gray clouds. He wakes up in the middle of the night, clawing at the dark and silence. But then he remembers and he stops trying.

The world is so cold. An icy wind seems to be constantly blowing, sending chills down Castiel's spine. No matter how many blankets he wraps around himself, he cannot stop shivering.

And all because Dean Winchester was oxygen and sound and light and heat to the angel Castiel. 

Castiel laughs, something twisted and bitter, as he huddles in his useless blanket cocoon. If given the choice, he would die a thousand deaths for Dean Winchester but Dean died for him instead. Life's a real bitch.


	3. Chapter 3

Sometimes at night Castiel lies in his bed and tries not to shake from terror. Because Dean Winchester is a galaxy, every freckle a star, and his glow is so bright Castiel doesn't understand how others cannot see it.  
But stars burn out and Castiel is wracked with the memory of Lucifer who was called the Morning Star. One day something will extinguish Dean's light and Castiel will be left in the dark. He lies in his silent bedroom and curls his knees to his chest because angels do not cry.


	4. Chapter 4

Castiel knows timelines. Occasionally he explores them simply for amusement. Futures wholly different because two people never met.

Some he does not visit. Once and only once did he view a future where Dean Winchester did not exist. Mary Campbell and John Winchester lived separate lives, existing and dying without ever crossing paths. The Apocalypse never occurred or even threatened.

But people still died. Quietly. Like a mother and her son, threatened by the ghost of a child drowned in the local lake. Sam and Dean had saved their lives. But in this future, they died and the spirit only rested when the entire family fell victim.

Castiel fled this future, vowing never to return. Something about the aching wrongness of Dean not existing festered at his Grace and made him weak and incomplete.

Castiel visits other futures. His favorite is one where Castiel is a human and Dean's childhood best friend. They married and own a small ranch. Castiel has beehives and collects the honey to sell. Dean is an excellent baker and sells his pies all over the state of Kansas. Castiel watches from afar. The light in Dean's eyes is unmistakable, but Castiel's stomach seems to twist because the real him is not the one Dean wants.

Castiel always returns to his own timeline. He will frequently visit Dean after these trips, just to reassure himself. He tries to memorize Dean: his freckles, the crinkles at the corners of his eyes. The spiky hair that Castiel is sure would feel like silk if he were ever to run his fingers through. Because this is his Dean and Castiel will always prefer this timeline. Even if Dean will never look at him the way he wants him to.


	5. Chapter 5

The streetlight highlights Cas's hair and Dean swallows hard. His fingers are freezing and Cas's cheeks are tinged pink. And of course Cas drove one of the goddamn Harleys and he's got a leather jacket on and Dean chews his bottom lip. Damn it. It's now or never.

"Look, I like you. I like you a lot."

Cas tilts his head and waits for Dean to keep going.

Dean sighs. He's so bad at feelings. "Look, I- I love you, OK? After all the shit we've been through, I just didn't wanna hide it anymore."

Cas looks at him for a long, long time. "No."

"What?"

"We can't do this."

Dean blinks. His stomach starts to sink, but he tells himself he's probably misunderstanding. "Why not?"

Dean can't see the blue of Cas's eyes in the dusk. They're just darkened shadows. "Dean, we will ruin each other."

Dean swallows and feels like there's spikes in his throat. He shakes his head, desperate to prove Cas wrong. 

Cas steps forward and now they're nose to nose with Cas's hands on his shoulders and his fingers immediately splay to mimic the old handprint. "Dean, listen to me. We will tear the world apart to save each other. I love you in the way that starts wars and levels nations. I can't make you happy. We are too much."

And Dean wants so badly to shake his head no, no, no but Cas is right. Because the way Dean loves is how the world burns and if he lets himself step off this cliff, Cas won't catch him. And damn it, he should have known he has too many fractured pieces. Everyone who gets close gets cut every goddamn time.

He closes his eyes and he's not sure whose tears are on his cheeks. "Can you just kiss me? Please?" He just needs one to remember, to torture himself with what-ifs late at night.

And Cas does but it's the kind of kiss that leaves you emptier than when you started. He steps away and Dean immediately misses his warmth. "Goodbye Dean."

And Dean is left in the freezing blackness and the streetlight is so much dimmer now.


End file.
